Dating a Man Did NOT Turn Me Gay: A Piece On Sexuality and My Journey to Understanding It
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Over the last couple of years, my sexuality has been at the forefront of not only my mind but others’ as well. I have identified as queer for the last two years and I still struggle with doubt and internalized heteronormativity. Even before I started questioning, people would make comments, saying that they “thought I was gay” before I even knew myself. I never realized, prior to coming out, how much your sexuality can be influenced by society and people around you. It was only when I dated a man that I realized this.
I began questioning my sexuality early in my freshman year after being told for years by a variety of people that I “acted” or “looked” gay. I had never questioned my sexuality before, but it became something that I thought about often. As my friends and I got older, more and more of them discovered their queer identities and it made me more aware of my own identity. Through listening to peer’s experiences and many hours spent watching Tiktok, I slowly but surely understood who I was, and, by the end of freshman year, I began to identify as queer.
Last year at the beginning of sophomore year, I began dating a longtime close friend of mine. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t the best relationship. We were always busy and it was in the middle of Covid, but we had fun. It had its ups and downs, and I’m glad I got to have the experience. For me, I wasn’t out publicly at the time, but people were aware of my identity. I remember being asked on multiple different occasions: “How can you be gay, if you’re dating him?” That question haunted me throughout our relationship and I would constantly doubt my queer identity. In the end, after 5 months, we came to the conclusion that our relationship wasn’t right for either of us, and we were better off as friends. Our split was mutual and unrelated to my sexuality. However, several months later, I beganly openly identifying as a lesbian. Over the last few months since I came to this conclusion, I have been asked “Did he turn you gay?” and “Was he really that bad?” Contrary to popular belief, my queer identity is not a result of me dating a guy. In fact, I identified as gay while dating him, and he knew and was completely supportive.
The point of what I’m trying to convey is this; sexuality and relationships are not codependent. Sexuality is fluid and relationships aren’t a determinative factor of it. You are allowed to experiment, you are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to not know. I am a prime example of someone not quite understanding themself and discovering their sexuality through much trial and error. I’m not perfect, I didn’t know right away, and it’s okay if you don’t either. What is important to remember is to be authentically yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, there’s probably a reason and it's okay to change what makes you uncomfortable.