My Journey of Self Acceptance

Photo courtesy of Teen Vogue

Ever since the beginning of middle school I knew something was different. I felt a bit bubbly everytime another girl would hold my hand or feel flustered when they would call me pretty. Though my brain couldn’t quite pinpoint what that feeling was. I always knew about the concept of being gay, but I never fully understood it. Some of my peers even believed that being gay was weird or something to be ashamed of. This lack of positive exposure shaped my journey of self discovery to be a tumultuous one, which is what I’m here to talk about. 

At my crowded lunch table the topic of liking girls would come up once in a blue moon, though I often kept quiet to prevent the risk of saying something suspicious. I remember that a girl once said “If any of you guys ever came out as bi, that would be weird. I don't know how I would feel.” Her words were akin to a stab to the heart. My 13 year old self had just learned what it meant to be bi, and all of a sudden, everything clicked. I had a crush on a boy at the time, but my feelings about girls hadn’t changed either, which confused me even more. But as I scrolled down my explore page on Instagram, I discovered a post about what it meant to be bisexual. I was fascinated because everything resonated with me in a way nothing else had before. Realizing that I was bisexual just felt right. But my world came crashing down as the comments from my friends continued. Two of my classmates who happened to both be girls started dating. I was happy for them and I no longer felt alone. But as I sat at my table in math solving Algebraic equations, the girls next to me could be observed commenting on the twos’ relationship. It was so strange to me; how could someone judge another human being solely off of who they loved?

“That’s so weird, we’re only in 8th grade, how could they know they’re gay?”

“I know I just don’t understand how they’re so open about it too.”

“It kinda makes me uncomfortable around them now.”

“Yeah I don’t want to have to change in the same locker room as them anymore.”

Though I had finally accepted myself, I realized that not everyone would be as welcoming to the idea. So my solution was to hide, and I was okay with that. I didn’t need to come out yet. As long as I was happy with who I was, I was satisfied. 

High school came in a flash. I decided to reinvent myself and push all the progress I made throughout middle school away. I was not bi or gay or whatever. I was straight and that’s how I presented myself. I was just your average straight woman who you totally don’t have to feel weird being around because she’s totally not into girls. Yet a part of me knew this was wrong. I found myself throwing out slightly homophobic jokes like they were part of my regular vocabulary. 

“Image being gay.” 

“Haha you’re definitely gay, don’t deny it.”

“LMAO do you like women or something?”

I wasn’t homophobic. I accepted anyone for who they were, but making these comments was a way to deal with my own feelings. They weren’t directed at the person I would say them to, but at myself. And with no one around to admit they were struggling in the same way I was, I felt alone. I couldn’t come to terms with my sexuality, or even myself. I didn’t know who I was, which tore me apart inside. And the worst part, I let myself live like this. I went on denying my identity to feel normal. I just wanted to  be the same as everyone else. Months went by and there was no change. I hid who I was, and I wasn’t proud of it. 

As time passed, I suddenly found a community. I met some of my best friends, who made me feel like I belonged. They accepted me for who I was and some of them even felt the same. I felt like all the progress I had repressed was suddenly rushing back. I knew who I was again, and this time I didn’t have to hide. Though my journey of self acceptance was rough, I made it through, and you can too. No matter how much you’re struggling with your sexuality or any kind of self identifier, I’ve learned it will all work out in the end. You will find people who love and accept you for who you are. You will find people who understand and relate to what you’re going through. You will find yourself, I swear.