What's the Kinkference? (A Pleasurable Comparison)

Photo courtesy of Leah Schmidt for Glamour

Kinks and fetishes; two words that have become indoctrinated into our collective vocabularies as primarily joke-related and, more importantly, interchangeable terms. Browsing through social media outlets such as TikTok or Reddit will garner you multiple instances of these words’ usage after just a few minutes of scrolling, and you’ll find that they are referenced almost exclusively within comedic settings. In fact, the very first phrase that most likely comes to mind when hearing the word “fetish” is “foot fetish” (otherwise known as podophilia, which you can learn all about here), an extremely common alternate sexual fixation which has been popularized as a humorous marker of something “unknown” or “weird”. This misconception about the relatability of podophilia (as well as the existence of the joke in the first place) ties back to our society’s lack of awareness surrounding the term “fetish”, both in regards to what exactly it means and how common it is amongst sexually active individuals. Similarly, the word “kink” is another word thrown around haphazardly on social media which embodies similar stigma to the term “fetish”. In fact, the similarities between the two words have become so blurred that many seem to believe them to be synonyms of one another, which simply isn’t true. So, let’s talk about what exactly these two terms mean from a sexology standpoint, as well as why we can’t use them in place of one another.

Generally, the definition of a “kink” is fairly subjective, as it merely references a sexual fixation, desire, or practice that falls outside of the boundaries of what most people would consider to be “normal” or vanilla sex (Cam 1). This includes (but is most certainly not limited to) genres such as BDSM, acting out scenarios where you and a consenting consenting partner/s (although kinky behavior can also be present while alone) embody different ages or power dynamics, or more popularized sexual “trends” such as choking (another phenomenon you can learn about here). Therefore, something is only considered kinky if you as an individual feel it pushes your personal perception of what it means to be sexually vanilla. After all, what you might find to be a completely normal and acceptable practice in the bedroom could (and very well might) be something your grandmother would find outrageous. Beyond what is considered to be kinky, being kinky or having a kink yourself means that you actively desire and embody said practice or concept within your sex life, meaning those same things that you feel perhaps pushes the boundaries of what is socially acceptable are things you’d like to try out for yourself the next opportunity you get to have some alone time. That being said, though, an important aspect of the kink world is that, while you may desire a specific kinky practice or dynamic in the bedroom, it is merely an additive to something like vanilla sex. In other words, while you may find it pleasurable, it is not a necessity for you to orgasm or find peak appreciation in a given sexual encounter.

Now, before we jump into what exactly a fetish is, it’s important to address the fact that, while the terms “kink” and “fetish” are not the same thing, the reason for their intertwinedness is mostly because the two concepts do embody many similarities. In fact, one way to think about the two words is that a fetish is a more extreme and comprehensive version of a kink; it takes the desire for kinky practices/scenarios to the next level. A fetish is best described as the existence of a sexual fixation on a given object, dynamic, or practice that is generally considered abnormal in relation to vanilla sex (Cam). Sounds similar to a kink, right? Well, it is, with one key difference: to have a fetish for something means that said thing must be present in order for you to achieve climax or optimal satisfaction from a given sexual encounter (Cam). Where kinks are merely added interests or desires that make an encounter more exciting or enjoyable, a fetish is an absolute necessity, and more often than not takes precedence over the act of sex itself (with some individuals not even being interested in sex at all (although this does not mean said individual is necessarily asexual)). For example, if you find that being choked in a sexual setting is arousing and leads to more enjoyable sex with a partner, you most likely have a choking kink. However, if you find sex to hold little to no enjoyment without the presence of choking, or, in more extreme cases, you solely find sexual enjoyment in being choked, you probably have a choking fetish. A kink is something fun and exciting, while a fetish is an integral and irreplaceable part of your sex life.

To better understand ourselves and the world around us, it is imperative we seek out education to best define and categorize the different traits that make up who we are. One of the biggest obstacles in our path to self-awareness is misinformation, an epidemic whose presence has yet again been found in the Kink vs. Fetish discussion; a serious and impactful topic that has been alienated from serious conversations about ourselves and our sexual health by way of social trends and jokes. Kinks and fetishes, while similar, are two broad and varied concepts in the world of sexology, and we must acknowledge the separation of the two amidst a whirlwind of stigma in the interest of bettering ourselves. We as a society have a long way to go in combating misinformation and misconceptions about sex, but we at The Talk hope this article has collectively brought us one step closer to a more educated future.

Citations

Staff, Joyce Cam | Senior, and Joyce Cam. “You Have a Kink, You Have Kink, Everyone Has a Kink!” The Daily Californian, 15 Feb. 2020, https://www.dailycal.org/2020/02/13/you-have-a-kink-you-have-kink-everyone-has-a-kink/.