My Experiences with Negative Body Images
I think globally, we can all recognise that March of 2020 was a very weird period of time. For myself, I had previously gone through a rather painful two months prior to the Covid-19 lockdown, all of which made me severely question my sense of self and value. So, sitting at home for days on-end, with nothing to do but think, forced me to understand myself and face what had bothered me so much as a young girl.
I remember the age when I first started to become afraid of my weight. There was a scale that would sit in my cousin’s bathroom that I would stand on from time to time. At a certain point, I had unconsciously started comparing my weight to my cousin's, who was only a year younger than me. I had started to notice my legs looked bigger than hers, and it scared me. I was only 7 at the time, and yet 60 pounds scared me.
Then high school begun, and for 15 year old me, this was exemplified massively. I was confident in myself to everyone but myself, and just like every 15 year old, desperately wanted to be in a relationship. I talked to guys who lowered my self-esteem because I thought those were the people I deserved. You accept the love you think you deserve, and for 15 year old me, I truly believed that unwanted physical touch from them was necessity to be pretty. If I had a boyfriend who liked my body, that would be enough, right? I wish I could’ve told her how wrong she was.
The pandemic gave me a chance to build confidence in myself and become the person, that for so long I had wished that I was. I began to run on the treadmill more. I began to eat less. I ignored my hunger cues and became obsessive over constantly moving. I cut carbs. I gave up sugar. I thought I was happy that way. I thought planning every meal was my new “normal”, and had convinced myself being less self-conscious in a bikini would fix me.
It took a good while for all of this to wear off. I grew tired of trying, would eat a lot, then get depressed and feel really guilty about it. The short time when I did feel good about how I looked was over quicker than anticipated. If anything, I felt worse.
The following year, I rewired my relationship with exercise and food. I researched and found other people, like myself, who were struggling with the same things. This helped tremendously. Suddenly, I felt less alone in that regard, because I finally had someone tell me that my clothes should fit me, not the other way around. My hip dips were normal, negative self-talk was not helping my motivation, and that I was strong. I needed to respect myself and appreciate all of the things that made me who I am.
Of course, there are bad days. Of course, I think less of myself sometimes. I am a work in-progress. But. I am content with where I am in my life and know my value. I know that I deserve happiness. We are human. We struggle. That does not mean we don’t deserve unconditional love, especially from ourselves.
To any teen out there who is struggling with bad body image, you are so very brave. Know that you are not alone, and that I support you on your journey to self-love and acceptance.
To anyone who identifies as female and faces these issues, you are stronger than you know. Never let anyone convince or make you feel otherwise. Being a female, and having the power to love who you are without regard to what anyone else thinks is a powerful tool. You are beautiful, you are brave and you are strong. But most of all, you are enough.
To 7 year-old me and 15-year old me, you are loved. Keep going.